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Critical Miss issue 1

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Hi,
Welcome to issue 1 of Critical Miss: the magazine for dysfunctional roleplayers. In this issue, and in the issues to come, we hope to offer a varied mix of articles, stories, scenarios and rules suggestions. Some will be serious, some not-so-serious, but we hope they’ll all be entertaining. But for now, here’s issue 1. We like it. We hope you do too.

Jonny Nexus, Editor, Critical Miss Magazine.

[GUIDE] GMing With Nothing — A Five Step Guide

GMing tonight? No scenario? No ideas? Well stop panicking, put the prozac away and prepare to bluff, bullshit and deceive your players with our five step guide to GMing when you have absolutely nothing.

[GUIDE] Games Without Tears

Roleplaying is supposed to be full of high emotions, titanic struggles, and even, sometimes, outbreaks of extreme violence — between the characters NOT the players. Here we present a few simple guidelines to ensure that the conflict stays where it belongs — within the game.

[THOUGHT] Roleplaying In A Modern World

No vampires. No lightning bolts. No magic. Just crime, guns and a fair dose of violence. A discussion of setting roleplaying in the modern world.

[FICTION] Bodyminder

Day to day life sucks for Dave and has done for some time. Now a madman called Frankie’s back in his life and things are about to go from merely unpleasant to actively crap. A story by Jonny Nexus.

[SUPPLEMENT] Getting the Message Across

A technical breakdown of how the X-BoatNetwork in Traveller works.

[FREE GAME] Backhanders and Dodgy Deals

Lie, cheat and steal in our modern-day game of crime and corruption, featuring a revolutionary new game engine: the Bribe System.

[SETTING] Dream Park On a Budget

Dream Park’s a game best enjoyed tongue-in-cheek, but does the Dream Park provide too realistic a venue? Here we suggest an alternative that a lighter, more humorous take on the Dream Park experience.

[SCENARIO] The Storm Planet Rescue Game

A Dream Park scenario that allows characters to bravely travel where no sentient life forms have travelled before.

GMing With Nothing — A Five Step Guide

Okay. Here’s the deal. You started off with the best of intentions. You were going to read the rule book and write the scenario but somewhere along the way life got in the way. Now it’s eight o’clock on Friday night, your players are ringing on your doorbell and it’s time to face the truth — you have nothing. zip. Nout.

You could confess, apologise profusely, and throw yourself on the mercy of your fellow roleplayers. Or you could go for with the help of our five step guide to GMing when you have nothing.

Do it right, and they need never know…

Step 1: Prolonging the Pregame Conversation

Most groups of roleplayers tend to spend a little time before gaming starts in conversation, getting up to date with each others lives, discussing the television programs of the week and so on. Skilful manipulation of this pregame conversation can dramatically cut into the time available for actual roleplaying.

The trick here is to be subtle enough that it is never obvious that you are involved. You should appear to not take part in the conversation, instead staying behind your GM’s screen, «making notes» and «studying the scenario».

However, whenever the conversation shows signs of drawing to a natural close, you should skilfully and subtly lend it a new lease of life by introducing a fresh theme. If, for instance, you know that one of the players is a fanatical Star Trek fan, you could casually ask in an off-hand tone if anyone saw the episode of Deep Space 9 that week. With luck, your handy Trekker will then chat about his obsession for the next fifteen to twenty minutes without you needing to utter a further word.

Eventually however, the more serious method roleplaying types amongst your gaming group will start to grow unhappy at the «chatting» and you will be forced to move onto the actual game itself.

Step 2: Letting the Players Go Shopping

Nearly all roleplayers are obsessed with the equipment owned and carried by their characters and will take any opportunity to purchase more. Usually, you as the GM restrict their purchasing to occasions when it is plausible, such as in a city, between scenarios. However, «relaxing» your rule now can gain you further time.

Casually announce, almost as soon as your improvised scenario has begun, that they have just passed some kind of shop, warehouse or provisions store. If (when) they announce that they wish to go inside, and ask you what kind of things they could buy, look surprised (as though it never occurred to you that they might go inside) and say something along the lines of «well pretty much anything available in the rule book I guess.»

This will soon have them poring over the equipment lists, converting their gold pieces into improbably large quantities of copper pieces and working out just how many candles, ropes and ten-foot poles the average adventurer’s fortune can buy.

(I once had a D&D character who habitually went adventuring carrying around 10 10-foot poles and around 500 feet of rope. Don’t laugh. I was young and hadn’t heard of encumbrance).

Once they have «purchased» all their items, now is a good time to rigidly enforce the encumbrance rules for the first time, insisting that they fully total the weights of their equipment, as well as determining precisely where and how they are carrying each item (on their person, in a backpack and so on).

This will cause further time-wasting as they attempt to decide which items they will discard to bring their carried weight down to a point where they can still walk unaided.

If you want to be a complete git, having let them spend half an hour coming up with their carefully selected set of survival items, then a further half an hour dividing them up between their backpack and the panniers on their horse, you can then (in your capacity of the God of your universe) hurl down a couple of lightning bolts and scare the crap out of the bastard nag, causing it to bolt off into the distance (carrying said panniers).

This doesn’t in any way help cover up your lack of a scenario. It’s just funny.

Step 3: The Enigmatic Puzzle

The next step is to improvise what appears to be an enigmatic puzzle. It is of course simply a disguised dead end. For example:

GM: «The crimson whirlwind engulfs you and you feel yourselves being transported away before losing consciousness. When you awake you are inside a square room, around 20 feet on a side. The floor, ceiling and walls are featureless grey stone. There is nothing in the room.»

Player 1: «Okay, maybe there’s a secret door. I’ll start examining the walls.»

Player 2: «Maybe this is some kind of illusion. I’ll cast a spell…»

It is of course a totally sealed box, designed to securely imprison the characters while you think of something else. All you have to do is listen to each idea a character comes up with for escape, then report that it has failed.

The players will of course assume that it is some kind of « puzzle» and that they just have to figure out the « answer».

If the players start getting bored and complaining, give them the «challenge gives the reward speech». The basic gist of this is that if the GM simply helps the characters perform the task, so that whatever they do turns out to be the correct option, and they always succeed regardless, the game will quickly lose all meaning. Therefore, for reasons of ethics alone, it would be wrong for you to tell the players how to get their characters out of the box. They will simply have to stay there until they figure it out.

Eventually, one of the players will come up with a particularly cunning and clever way of escaping the box. When he outlines it, smile and nod, as if you are happy that they have figured out the «elaborate puzzle you prepared for them» and report that it has succeeded.

«Yes Zarvod. As you thought, you have been transported to a four-dimensional universe, and are now imprisoned in a four-dimension hypercube, which has an open face in the fourth dimension. You can’t see that of course, because you are three dimensional, but as you point out, the definition in the rule book of your move spell says that it can transport you in all dimensions. You cast your move spell, move kind of sideways, and suddenly you’re outside the cube…»

Step 4: The Large Scale Combat

Slow and cumbersome combat systems have been the saviour of many a frantically bullshitting GM. The trick here is to stage a combat that is slow, but not actually particularly deadly. Tedious is the watchword here.

The best way of doing this is to have a large number of low-powered creatures, such as hoards of rats for instance. This can be enhanced with unusual attack effects that require large amounts of book-keeping.

«Okay, so everyone in the presence of one of the ESP Gerbils has to make a willpower roll to avoid being charmed by them, thus getting a −1 % to their attack rolls. Okay, so there are 10 gerbils, so you each have to make 10 rolls…»

Step 5: Finishing Early

The trick with anything in life is to get out before it all turns to crap, and GMing a roleplaying scenario having failed to actual prepare said scenario is a situation that will turn to crap sooner rather than later. Finishing early is therefore a highly useful move.

There are too many possible excuses to really cover here. Tiredness can sometimes raise sympathy, especially if you are the one tasked with driving all the other players home (this is the one I always pull). Stating that it is «a convenient point in the scenario to break» can work if stated with enough confidence.

Finally, arranging for someone, such as your mother, to phone up saying that an emergency has occurred necessitating your visiting them immediately can usually get you out of the session. After all, you can hardly turn your old mum down, can you?

Theoretically, a girlfriend can fulfil this role, but then again, if you had a girlfriend you probably wouldn’t be roleplaying would you?

Games Without Tears

The first thing to note about this article is that it isn’t supposed to be the definitive work on what constitutes 'good' roleplaying. It is purely a series of suggestions that I feel could help make a roleplaying session more enjoyable, and possibly reduce the risk that any bad-feeling might result from events during the session. It could also serve as a code of conduct for roleplaying clubs to avoid any potential for disharmony. I stress that they are simply my opinions and you might consider them either completely obvious or totally wrong.

Try To Stay In Character

I’ll illustrate this point with two examples. Firstly how it should not be done:

Jalanka, a thief played by John, Haan, a fighter played by Paul, and Kwandra a wizard played by Steve, are carefully advancing down a narrow corridor lined on either side by large statues. Carelessly Jalanka reaches out and brushes a statue. Instantly all the statues come to life and begin to move towards the party. «John you total dickhead!» screams Steve «you’ve just bloody well killed us.»

How it should be done:

Jalanka, a thief played by John, Haan, a fighter played by Paul, and Kwandra a wizard played by Steve, are carefully advancing down a narrow corridor lined on either side by large statues. Carelessly Jalanka reaches out and brushes a statue. Instantly all the statues come to life and begin to move towards the party. «Jalanka you fool, are you possessed?» screams Kwandra, «you’ve condemned us all to the flames of hell!»

The second piece, whilst perhaps a bit unbelievable in language is at least an attempt to roleplay the situation rather than resort to personal abuse. Both of these dialogues are liable to result in a punch-up, the difference is that the second will be between the characters, the first between the players.

I firmly believe that the more players try to remain 'in character', the better and more harmonious the roleplaying will be.

Use Character Names

This really leads on from the previous section. If you use the character’s names, rather than the names of their players, whilst referring to them, or talking to them, the effect will be much more atmospheric. It also makes it harder for any players who do not totally get on together to be rude to each other.

I appreciate that this can be difficult when one group, as we do, plays a large number of different campaigns and one-off scenarios, with many different characters. One solution might be to stand a piece of card in front of each player with the name of his character written on it. There is then no excuse for not using character names.

Play Your Character, Not Yourself

Roleplaying is supposed to be just that, playing a role. To a certain extent players will often tend to play similar characters — I myself tend to play cautious characters. However, you should remember that you should always react as your character would, not as you would. It is a running joke in our group that any character of a certain player will always at some point during a session say «lets go get these f***ers!», regardless of whether he’s playing Genghis Khan or Mother Teresa.

This also means that interaction between player character’s should be based on the characters feelings. Events like the following example will completely destroy any atmosphere you have managed to create:

Felder, a rebel trooper played by Pete has been mortally wounded in a battle with stormtroopers and needs urgent treatment with a medpack. With him is Ioni-Lon Lafani, a Jedi played by Dan. «Look are you going to heal me or what?» demands Pete. "No sod off, " replies Dan, «if you’re not going to let me eat any of your pizza then why should I?»

Game Master Fairly

In the above examples, I have been talking about what the players should do. However, whilst all the above points apply equally to GMs, there is one additional requirement — they must be fair and be seen to be fair.

It seems to me that there are two schools of thought to GMing. Most people, including me, see the GM as effectively God. The GM creates the game universe, fills it with worlds and lands, populates it with animals and people and then runs its every aspect. With this style the GM is completely neutral with respect to the players and their opponents. He simply arbitrates.

Other people seem to see the GM as Satan — he who brings all evil into the world. These games consist of the players struggling to overcome opponents and circumstances and emerge unscathed and successful. Their problems are of course thrown at them by the GM. A game like this can be a very entertaining mental battle between the GM and the players, each side trying to outwit the other. However, it is even more vital to be fair, since the GM has ultimate powers.

Another aspect of fairness is that the GM must treat all characters equally. Favouritism to one or more characters can severely damage a game since the other players feel that there is little point in them playing. The opposite, persecution of a player’s character, especially as a method of getting back at the player, will destroy a game.

A more subtle problem is that of favouritism to an NPC. Obviously all GMs are going to have NPCs that they are particularly fond of. However, the danger, especially if they become part of the PCs group, is that the game ends up being the GM playing with his NPC whilst the players look on. A good sign that this is happening is when the GM starts to play the NPC as thought it were his PC, saying things like «my bloke attacks the dragon… my bloke climbs the wall… my bloke etc. etc.»

Before long the players will probably feel that they are simply spectators to an act of intellectual masturbation, and that there is therefore little point them being there.

What To Do About It?

Good roleplaying generally involves high emotions. If your character is threatened then you feel threatened, if he or she is happy then you feel happy. It can also involve great tension, especially if your character is in great danger.

These feelings are what makes roleplaying the experience it is. However, at any point where emotions are running high, or people are feeling tense, there will also be the danger that disputes will break out. This is especially the case if the people concerned are not friends outside of roleplaying, a situation that can often arise in a club. It is important that the emotions aroused remain focused on the game and that the players always remember that it is just a game. As long as this is the case then everyone concerned should enjoy each session.

I appreciate that the problems that I have mentioned above will probably never happen in most roleplaying groups. However, in groups where you have a varied mix of players they can. Whilst formerly resolving, as a group, to try to follow some of the principles I have outlined might seem a bit drastic, it could help to prevent conflict.

Roleplaying in the Modern World

I recently went to see a new British film, Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, and thought: Why don’t we ever roleplay in a world like this?

For those of you who haven’t seen the film, it is a fast-paced, witty, and often violent journey through the criminal underworld of London’s East End as the four lead characters, Eddy, Tom, Bacon and Soap attempt to raise half a million pounds to pay off a gambling debt that Eddy has run up on their behalf.

Thinking further, it occurred to me that whilst novels, films and television programs are almost entirely set in the modern world, with science fiction, horror, fantasy and super hero stories a minority pursuit, the situation in the roleplaying world is almost the reverse. In fact, it almost seems to be a rule that a roleplaying setting has to have something that sets it apart from our world, either magic, technology, or people that possess incredible powers.

Why? The perceived wisdom is that our world, late 20th century Earth, is a boring setting for action or intrigue which needs additional elements to spice it up, be they super-powers, supernatural creatures or alien invaders. Yet this premise would seem to be contradicted by about 80 % of the action films produced by Hollywood.

So my suggestion is this. Set a roleplaying scenario in the modern world. No vampires. No spaceships. No supernatural horrors erupting from below. No pumped up heroes with bullet proof skins or hands of flame. Populate it with assorted criminals, policeman (bent or otherwise), cash and greed. Light the blue touch paper and stand back.

Maybe you’ll be surprised.

Bodyminder

By Jonny Nexus

 I scratched idly beneath the waistband of my shorts and made a surprising discovery. This body was hung like a horse!
«---and you understand the breakfast requirements?»
«Sorry?» I stuttered.
«Breakfast requirements!» barked the body’s owner, «do you understand the breakfast requirements?»
I thought rapidly. «muesli at eight, followed by---»
«---seven-thirty! Muesli at seven-thirty, followed by a selection of fresh fruit!»
«Fresh fruit, right…»
This guy was a wanker. Big time.
«And you understand that my body is to be occupied for at least sixteen hours a day?»
«Yeah.»
«That’s sixteen waking hours a day! No sleeping on the job!»
«No problem.»
Actually it was, but I figured a dash of bullshit would stall my other clients.
«Now, the next item on the checklist…»

I put his shades on, tugged at the hem of his expensive suit, and strode out into the crisp, noonday sunshine.
This was a body. This was a hell of a body. This was a body to die for.
This was also someone else’s body.
Bummer.
«Phil?» chimed a woman’s voice from behind me.
I spun round.
«Phil! It’s me, Silvi! Remember?»
She was gorgeous. Stunning.
«You forgotten, haven’t you?»
Ah. Should I tell her the truth? After all, Phil was — at this moment — in his apartment upstairs, packing for his journey to the mineral fields of Siberia, inhabiting the robust budget-rent-a-body he’d hired for the trip.
"Remind me, " I asked her. A small pang of guilt flared. Conscience? Professional ethics? I quelled it anyway. After all, this wasn’t really lying.
Much.
She smiled, revealing two rows of perfect, white teeth. «Five years ago? At the resort at San Aqua?»
«San Aqua… Yeah…»
"I knew you wouldn’t forget, " she purred.
«We had some erm… good times..?»
She looked misty-eyed for a moment. «Yeah we did.»
Ha! Looked like I might have more fun with this body than I thought. I tried not to think of rule number fifteen on the checklist.
The smile slowly dissolved from her face. «So why did you do it Phil?»
«Do..?»
«Why did you leave me like that?» she screamed.
Oops. «Well, erm… you know..?» I smiled wide and hopefully, wondering how well Phil had cleaned his teeth.
The stinging slap that followed suggested that perhaps smiling wasn’t the best tactic.
«You bastard…» she whispered, starting to cry.
An elderly passer-by frowned and scuttled away from us down the pavement.
Phil’s cheek was really starting to throb right now. Shit, if it bruised it could be very awkward. Was that item five on the checklist, or item seventeen? Probably both.
I put a tender expression on Phil’s face, and pulled her tight to his chest.
"Hey! No point crying, "I crooned. «Look I’m really sorry for what happened.»
She looked up and sniffled. «Really?»
«Yeah. Honest.» I paused for a moment, patting her shoulder. «Why didn’t you call me, or visit?»
She cried a bit more. «I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I didn’t have your number, your address. I didn’t even know where you worked.»
I held her at arms length and looked into her eyes. «You don’t know where I live, or anything?»
«No.»
«Oh.» I shrugged and let go of her shoulders. «See ya then.»

You’ve got to understand that I didn’t often get the chance to walk a body like this. I mean I was usually down at the low end of the market. My usual client was some scrawny runt of a citizen who’d hired a hunky, sex-god body for his two-week summer holiday.
This was my big break into the executive end of the market. So I had to play it cool. Get this right and I could wave goodbye to bodysitting accountants. Which — short of having a body of my own — was about as good as it could get.
Yeah, that’s right. I didn’t have a body of my own. Why else would I have got into the bodyminding business? See, I used to have this small mobile catering operation.
Alright, it was a hamburger stand!
Anyway, I wanted to expand, move into sushi, so a got a small loan. Only problem was they needed collateral — and the only thing I had was my body.
Well how was I supposed to know that Japanese stuff would go out of fashion? Anyhow, the business collapsed, I defaulted on the loan, and they repossessed my body.
They were very polite.

I was late for my appointment at the health club and the client was highly pissed.
«You’re supposed to be in your cube!» he shouted. «I dialled for you and you weren’t there!»
The cube was where I lived, if you can call it living. A storage unit for bodiless minds, it was — obviously — fairly essential for someone like me. I rented one cheap at the club in return for helping their members exercise.
I muttered an apology and told him I’d only be a minute. Then I nipped round the back looking for Sal, the transfer attendant.
I found him lounging in his office reading a highly dubious magazine. He shoved it into his desk drawer and threw himself to his feet when he saw me.
"Sorry sir, " he warned politely, «I’m afraid this area is for club personnel only.»
"Sal! It’s me Dave, " I told him.
«Dave?» he queried, grinning. «That really you in there?»
I nodded quickly.
Sal looked me up and down, and whistled appreciatively.
«Nice body. Yours?»
«Oh yeah, it was on sale in a shop. Only one careful owner, twenty-five years on the clock---- what do you think?»
«Sorry.» He thought for a moment. «Hey haven’t you got a client at the moment?»
«Yeah, that’s the problem. Look I need to dump this body for a while. Can you put it in a drawer?»
He frowned. «What? Look Dave, in case you’ve forgotten, it’s the clients who’re supposed to bring the bodies in!»
«Some of the other trainers have their own bodies!» I protested.
«Yeah, and they don’t get a cheap cube like you do!»
«Sal, I’ll owe you, okay?»
He grinned ruefully. «One of these days you’re going to juggle too many balls…»

The client’s voice exploded from the earpiece I was wearing.
«Go for the burn! Go for the burn!»
I increased my pace, wondering why the tosser couldn’t just watch the vid while he was in the cube like everyone else. Oh no, he had to watch me the whole time.
I really hated the jogging track. Thump, thump, thumping around the tight wooden banking was marginally less interesting than watching a good coat of emulsion drying.
«Go go go!»

Afterwards I switched straight from the cube to the body, hauled the drawer open from the inside and came face to face with a face from the past.
«Ah!» I uttered, still lying in the open drawer.
"Not so fast, " he told me pushing the draw back in.
For a moment there was blackness, and then I was back in the cube. Bastard!
His consciousness appeared beside me, a point of nothingness next to mine.
«Hi!»
Frankie.
«What the hell is this?» I snarled. Actually I didn’t, because you can’t snarl when you’re telepathically linked. But if you could I would’ve done.
«Take too long to explain. Look I’ve got a bod over at the Western Medical Centre. Zap over there, get in it, and meet me in the Hurldon club at eight.»
He sensed my dissatisfacion.
«I’ll make it worth your while, 'kay?»
«Okay.»

The Hurldon club was posh with a capital P, but luckily the body that Frankie had left for me was good enough to get me past the doorman — once I mentioned Frankie’s name of course.
Eventually he arrived and joined me at the table.
"I see you’ve got yourself something to drink, " he observed dryly, casting his eye over my double brandy, and the several empty glasses scattered across the table.
"Yeah, " I slurred. After all, when the only living you get to do is in other people’s bodies your opportunities for drinking are seriously limited. Since Frankie had practically forced me into this body, I figured that the least I could do was to get it well and truly hammered.
«Typical!» he snapped.
«Yeah.»
«So you just going to sit there and get smashed?» he accused.
I thought for a moment.
«Yeah.»
Frankie waved a waitress over and ordered a drink, giving her a quick burst of charm in the process. She smiled longingly at him — and ignored me totally.
Wrong body, I guess.
I leant forward and asked the question that had been crawling around my synapses since I saw him that afternoon. «I ain’t seen you for, what… five years.»
"Must be, " Frankie agreed. «P’raps more.»
«Right. So in that case---» I prodded the air a few times to add emphasis. «In that case… how come you’re still using the same body. I mean you used to trade in and switch to a different one every few months.»
Frankie smiled. «I suppose there’s something about this body. Seems to fit me better, you know how it is.»
Actually, considering my situation, I thought that was rather tactless.
"Besides, " Frankie continued, «back then my business was a bit more… interesting. It was kindof handy to switch to a new face now and then. Now I’m more legit — so I don’t have to worry about getting done over. Not usually anyway. Which is where you come in.»
«What? I suppose this time I get done over?»
He leant back, spread his palms wide and grinned. «What’s the problem? I’ll be supplying the body.»
I swirled the last of the brandy round the bottom of the glass, then threw it back down my throat.
«Perhaps I don’t like pain.»

Frankie had not been pleased when I stormed out of the club. Mind you, the doorman wasn’t that wild about me puking on the pavement outside, either.
I stormed back into the health club and into Sal’s office.
"Sal, " I shouted as I hopped into an open drawer and began pulling it shut. «I’m dumping this body, right here, right now. So don’t give me any grief.»
His face loomed over me and began to speak, but I cut him off.
«Look Sal, if you’ve got a problem call Frankie — it’s his stiff.»
The drawer clicked into place, extinguishing the light, and I switched into the cube.
Now, I thought, just switch to Phil and…
It’s gone.
I scanned through the club’s contents list. Two occupants: the body I’d just dumped and some bird. I scanned through again. The same. I even scanned through the guest drawers on the top floor. Nothing.
It’s alright, I thought jubilantly, I’m drunk, I just can’t think straight. The jubilation lasted for hundreds of milliseconds until I remembered that it’s hard to be drunk when all you are is so many electrons in a RAM chip.
Shit.
I had to face it.
Phil’s bod was gone.

I carefully dropped myself into the chair beside Sal’s desk, drunk again now that I’d returned to the body Frankie had stiffed me with.
«Where’s the body?» I asked in alcohol enhanced misery.
Sal shrugged. «Search me.»
«Sal. Don’t do this to me!»
He looked away and pretended to study his finger nails.
«Sal. Please. Please!»
He examined a final finger, then lowered his voice. «It’s Frankie. After you left, he phoned some of his people, and got them to come and take your body away. Sorry.»
«Sorry!»
He almost looked upset. «Was it an important body?»
I couldn’t even bother to answer that, so I contented myself with sneering instead.
«So what you going to do?» he asked.
I picked up his phone. «Guess I’d better call Frankie.»

The mirror in the bog at LasLas was the first chance I’d had to size up this body. Actually it wasn’t so bad — so, so face with a fair physique. It was the kind of body I could’ve really settled for, permanent like.
It wasn’t like I was asking that much. All I wanted was okay looks, no major health problems and a reasonable something in the downstairs department.
Forget it. Time to get back to reality. Being one stiff down was not the ideal time to start dreaming of my ideal body. I splashed water over my face, then made my way back into the bar.
Ricky was still perched on the bar stool where I’d left him. This time I wanted a witness, in case Frankie tried anything. Ricky was a pratt — but he was available, and besides he was pretty loaded money wise, which never hurts.
«So when’s he supposed to be arriving?» he sniffed over his cider, pushing his lank, greasy fringe away from his eyes.
I shrugged. «He just said to wait.»
The sad thing about Ricky was that he used to be pretty good looking. And that was without trying. Anyhow, one day a dealer saw him, figured out how much potential his body had, and made him an offer. Ricky — who was pretty hard up — took the money, spent a small portion of it on his current, shitty body, and now lived off the rest.
«Is that him?» asked Ricky, excitedly, pointing at a lean, dangerous figure carving effortlessly through the couples on the dance floor.
I looked back to my drink. «No.»
«Oh.» He sounded quite disappointed.
He thought for a few seconds.
«So what do you want me to do?»
«Sit still and shut up.»
«Well if you’re going to be like that!»
I waved a hand to shut him up. «No. When he arrives. Then you sit still and shut up.»
«Oh. Right.»
He took a cautious sip of his cider.
«Why?»
«Why what?» I replied wearily.
«Why d’you need me here, if I’m not supposed to say nothing?»
«In case he tries anything on.»
«Will he?»
«Will he what?»
«Try anything on?»
«Might. Probably won’t.»
«Oh. I thought it’d be more, like… interesting.»
An evil thought emerged spontaneously from the deep strategy portion of my mind, entered the evaluation processes, was rejected by the morality override, appealed, won, and finally made it to the vocalisation units.
«Well there is another approach we could take.»
Ricky was hooked. «What?» he asked eagerly.
I paused for effect. «Thing is, at the moment, it’s Frankie doing all the running.»
«Yeah.» His eyes were shining.
«And that’s 'cus he knows everything about what’s going on.»
«Right.»
«So if we could change things, make it so he thought he knew the situation, but he was actually completely wrong. That would give us an edge.»
«But how can we do that?»
«Simple.»
I hesitated until he was practically out of his chair with anticipation, then spoke.
«Let’s swap bodies.»

«I’m Dave’s legal representative!» I barked aggressively at Frankie, "so I’d appreciate it if you would address all your comments to me.
Frankie looked straight at Ricky, and growled: «Dave! What the fuck’s going on?»
For a horrible moment I thought Ricky was going to answer, but he paused long enough for me to jump in. «I must insist that you address all your comments to me!»
Frankie sat back on his stool, glaring hard at me. Great! I’d got him rattled, on the run.
He leant forward, grabbed my tie, and butted me hard in the face.
Perhaps this wasn’t so great.
«You bastard!» shouted Ricky, «that’s my fucking face!»
«Ugh?» grunted a confused Frankie.
Ricky’s body’s nose chose that moment to burst, showering blood down onto his shirt and tie.
«That’s fucking silk!» screamed Ricky. «It fucking costs!»
Frankie looked back at me. «Dave?»
I stood up and glared at Ricky. «I don’t know what the fuck’s going on Dave, but this is out of order.» I took a pace, then turned theatrically. "Get yourself another bloody lawyer. And you, " I jabbed my finger to within inches of Frankie’s face. «I’m having you for assault.»
I left Frankie looking from Ricky to me and made for the exit. As I left I heard a final, despairing cry.
«That’s my fucking body!»

After two minutes hard running away from LasLas I came to a grinding, breathless stop. Ricky’s body clearly wasn’t built for speed. And besides, Frankie had seen it.
I hailed an electro-cab and told the auto-driver to get me to the nearest Budget outlet. It obeyed smoothly, gliding through the empty, night streets.
Two minutes later it slid to a halt outside a dilapidated office building with a faded, tacky sign above the entrance.
Typical Budget operation, I thought to myself.
The girl inside looked up grudgingly when I banged on the counter, laboured across the four feet that separated us, blew and cracked a large pink bubble, then finally deigned to offer me service.
«Yeah?»
«I’d like a body please.»
«Really?» she drawled sarcastically, glancing over the dozens of Budget-Rent-a-Body posters blue-tacked to the walls.
She picked up a battered comp-pad, jabbed at the screen with a long, pink fingernail, and examined the list that flashed onto the screen. «What sort of model would sir be requiring?»
«What have you got?»
She paused, then began to read the list in a bored monotone: «Utility, sports, physical labour, vacation… pleasure?»
I considered the situation. «Have you got anything that looks kindof corporate?»
«Corporate?»
«Yeah.»
She gave me a questioning look that I presumed meant: This is Budget, and you want something posh? But finally she turned her attention back to the pad.
Tap, tap, tap. She held the pad up to me. «How’s that?»
I took a look at the picture displayed. Not quite corporate, more government worker — but it would do. «I’ll take it.»
She tapped the order into the pad. «That’ll be a thousand deposit, two-hundred a day — in advance — and we’ll need your body for collateral.»
Thousand deposit. Two-hundred a day. Goodbye to my savings. Hello Mr Overdraft.

I stepped out of the drawer, trying the body on for size. Seemed okay. I opened my eyes and looked around. Fuzzy. Distinctly so.
I looked towards the blur that I presumed was the girl. «It’s short-sighted!»
The blur shrugged at a corner. «The picture showed it wearing spectacles.»
«I thought they were for effect!» I protested.
She shrugged again and handed over an object. I focused on them — figured they were glasses — and put them on.
The world immediately sharpened to its normal crispness. The girl smiled at me.
«You get the glasses for free.»

Okay, lets consider the situation, I thought to myself. I’ve lost Phil’s body. Mad Frankie wants me to do a job — I don’t know what — and I’ve refused, twice. Now he thinks I’m trying to screw him. I’ve pissed Sal off. I’ve nicked Ricky’s body and illegally used it as collateral to hire another.
On second thoughts, let’s not consider the situation, I decided.
I’d worry 'bout the others later. First I had to figure out what was the deal with Frankie. And the one who could tell me that was Shelly.

"If you’ve come to suggest that we should start again, you should have hired a better body, " she told me witheringly as she bit into her fried chicken. «And you should have bought some classier food.»
I ignored her and continued feeding my face. Typical bloody Budget — they always send their bodies out with empty stomachs, just to save a couple of quid. I made a mental note to fast on my final day. I was returning this sucker empty!
«And I suppose they supplied the clothes?» she sneered.
I nodded, but said nothing. I remembered from way back that it was best to let her prattle on 'til she got bored.
«And those glasses! What are you trying to say there?»
"They’re real actually, " I admitted.
«It’s short sighted?» she screamed incredulously, laughing so hard that a piece of chicken went down the wrong way. I slapped her hard on the back whilst smiling at the disapproving occupants of the fast-food joint.
"Thanks, " she croaked.
I let her recover for a moment. «Thing is, I need a favour.»
«Really? And there was me thinking you’d been pining for me the whole time.»
Actually I had, but I wasn’t going to admit that. «It’s about Frankie.»
«Frankie? What makes you think I’ve got anything to do with him?»
«You ran off with him.»
«That was ages ago, and it only lasted a few months. There’s been loads of blokes since then!»
Thanks.
For a moment she almost looked concerned. «I 'spose that wasn’t really what you wanted to hear, was it?»
«No.»
She shrugged. «Tough.»
I tossed the remains of my chicken into the grease-covered carton. «Look. Are you prepared to help me or what?»
"Might do, " she replied smiling, wrinkling her nose in the way that used to drive me wild. Hell, it got me pretty uptight right now.
«Would it help if I said please?»
«No. But thanks for offering.» She sat back and grinned. «Okay, what’s the problem?»
«Frankie’s got some kind of job he needs doing.»
«By you?»
«Yeah.»
«Well what is it?»
«What’s what? The job or the problem?»
She leant over the table and playfully punched me on the arm. «Either you fool!»
«Well I don’t know what the job is, and the problem is that I don’t know, and I don’t want to know.»
«Why don’t you want to know?»
«'Cus Frankie’s trouble.»
«But he’s trouble already, and you don’t know why. Wouldn’t it be better to know why you were in trouble?»
«No. 'Cus then you’re in big trouble.»
She fixed me with that killer babe look of hers. «You know what your problem is? Other than this problem of course.»
«No.» I insisted, thinking: And I 'spose you’re going to tell me.
«You need to relax more.»

«This is what you call relaxing!» I hollered above the waves of sound that echoed around the interior of the joint. Christ, I hoped that Budget didn’t do a hearing test on returned models. I couldn’t afford to lose any of the deposit.
«Yes!» screamed Shelly in answer to my question. «Is that what you call dancing?»
«Yeah!» I insisted, shifting into a particularly involved sequence that began with me throwing my arms backwards, proceeded with me shimmying downwards in a rapid twirl and ended with a triumphant leap.
Well that was the plan, and the girl wasn’t badly hurt, and personally I think her boyfriend was just looking for trouble.
Five minutes later when Shelly had finished laughing, we’d ragged ourselves to one of the corner booths and resumed our conversation.
«You got any suggestions 'bout what Frankie’s up to?» I asked.
"I might have, " admitted Shelly, «but not yet. If I tell you now you’ll only get wound up. You need to be more relaxed.»

«Am I relaxed enough now?» I asked grumpily.
Shelly stirred beside me and tucked the sheet under her armpits. «Getting there.»
A silence settled. The sex had been a disaster. She’d been reasonably sympathetic, confining herself to the observation that Budget obviously didn’t specialise in the more endowed model, and ignoring the fact that I wasn’t really upto to making any use of the meagre inches they’d supplied.
It was all bloody Budget’s fault. They should have warned me, or mentioned it in the bloody spec sheet, or something. Bloody Budget.
Five bloody years, I thought. Five bloody years I’ve waited for this, and it has to be with this shitty rent-a-body with a three-inch dick. Bloody Budget.
Shelly sat up abruptly. «Come on, get up.»
«Wha..?»
«We’re going back out. Get dressed.»
She got up, pulling the duvet off the bed, wrapping it around herself, and walking into her bathroom.

«Who the fuck are you?» I growled at the brunette who’d walked straight into the bedroom and started throwing my clothes at me, one by one.
«It’s me you dork!» she replied, hitting me full in the face with a rather smelly sock.
«Shelly?»
«Who else.»
I prodded my alcohol befuddled thought processes into action. «Where’d you get the bod from?»
She sat down daintily on the end of the bed. «It’s mine, got it about six months ago, for work.»
«Work?»
«I’ve got a pretty posh job now, and a blond bimbo wasn’t really the image I wanted to, like — project. So I bought this one. I use this for work, and my old body for leisure.»
«You have two bodies?»
«Why not? It means I have to pay more in trainers fees to have them exercised, but other than that it’s no problem. And besides, it’s pretty handy for times like this.»
«What like this?» I queried drowsily.
«Well I can go out and party, get totally hammered, come home, make mad, passionate love, get totally hot, sweaty and knackered — then switch bodies and go back out partying.»
She started to drag me from the bed.
«So come on then!»

"You’ll like this, " she told me as we walked through the entrance of the nth club of the night, shortly after we had sat and watched the sun-rise. The bouncer on the door was ugly… and familiar. Very familiar. And fucking ugly. I remembered a less repulsive face, with a straight nose, and unscarred skin, but the resemblance was clear, the possibility of a mistake negligible. That face was one I’d known intimately.
«Hey! Isn’t that your old body?» asked Shelly with what I considered to be a stunning lack of tact.
I think that it was around then that the tenuous threats that held together what I loosely termed my sanity began to unravel.

Read the conclusion to this story in Issue 2 of Critical Miss…

Getting the message across

The X-Boat Network In Traveller

By Stephen Ward

What is it?

The X-Boat network is the main means of sending messages across the vast Imperium. It was established 624 (Imperial) and covered the entire Imperium in 718 (Imperial). The backbone of the system is a small craft capable of a maximum speed of Jump 4. Administration of the X-Boat system is the responsibility of the Communications Office division of the Imperial Interstellar Scout Service (IISS). Although the maximum speed of an X-Boat is jump 4, not all jumps are made at that speed. Because of the way the network is laid out, the average speed a message travels is Jump 2.6.

How it operates.

The best way to describe this process is to do it as an example. Say I was staying at Capital and I wanted to drop a message of to a close friend of mine on Regina. I would address it in the following fashion:

• John_Smith@JS584866.TASNET.Regina.Regina

So breaking it down, starting with the far left.
The * informs me that John is a registered voter on Regina then his name.
The @ means located at.
The next part is his Personal Information Reader’s serial number. This part is optional.
TASNET is the computer system name.
Regina is the subsector capitol, Regina is the system name.

Common computer system domains include:

• TASNET: Traveller’s Aid Society.
• EDUNET: Educational.
• GOVNET: Local government.
• IMPGOV: Imperial government.
• COMNET: Commercial businesses.
• PRIVNET: Non business.

These are the main ones. Major corporations' names are added after the network name and before the user ID.

I record my message to John using my terminal in my room. I have the option of Video, Audio, or text. The only difference in them is the quality and cost. Video is 30 credits for each ten minutes per jump, audio 10 credits for ten minutes and text one credit for ten pages. Mixed text and pictures' costs one credit per page. If I was not using a terminal in my room, there are public terminals located in most starports. Although video transmissions are only available on class A starports, audio class B and C or less is text only.

Billing is in Imperial credits and worked out with the jump speed of 2.5. If he was not on the main route, the message would be passed to the Imperial Courier Service (ICS) for final delivery.

I have finished my message and instruct the terminal to send. The terminal then gives me the option to have my message encrypted, this doubles the cost of the message. From here, the data is compressed and passed to the local communications system for transmission to an X-Boat station or passed to the ICS for delivery onto an X-Boat route.

An X-Boat drops into realspace. The pilot then activates the recovery beacon and aligns the communications array to the X-Boat station. An X-Boat station is constructed close to entry points of Hyperspace and contains fuel, pilot stations and communications arrays. The station dispatches an X-Boat Tender with a fresh pilot and fuel. Once it has reached the boat, it recovers it, changes crew and refuels it. This process takes about four hours. The record for this routine is seven minutes. A single tender can deal with up to six X-Boats at a time. In busy systems, many tenders can be seen working at once to keep the network going. Once re-fuelled and a new pilot aboard, the X-boat is released and gets ready to jump. While all this activity is going on, the X-Boat is still getting data and messages.

Once all checks are finished aboard the pilot shuts down the communication array and departs the system. The pilot from the X-Boat is given another job, whether this be aboard the tender or at the X-Boat station. After a week in normal space he is reassigned to another X-Boat and his job starts again.

What is the ICS?

The ICS maintains a fleet of type S scout/couriers. It is they who take the messages to systems off the main network. They are mostly modified with the passenger compartments removed and replaced with extra computer storage and extra fuel tankage. They depart at different speeds taking their messages to wherever they need to go.

How do I collect my mail?

Usually this is just case of connecting up to the planet’s data net and accessing it that way. If you are on the move, this can be tricky. Copies of mail are held at subsector and sector capitals and at TAS hostels. The last option only applies if you are a member of TAS. Mail is also archived at scout bases, this option requires an administration fee of about 100 credits and a week to accomplish. You also need to produce proof of identity. A standard Imperial bank card is usually all that is required.

What else does the X-Boat system handle?

You can make bank payments at an X-Boat office. The information is encoded and then sent to the bank of your choice. This has become a standard way of paying for starships.

Does the X-Boat carry military transmissions?

Yes, unless the transmissions are secure. If they are secure then the Imperial agency sending the transmissions uses an Imperial courier vessel. Imperial courier ships are rated at Jump 4 with a few being capable of Jump 6! Otherwise, the X-Boats data bank is fitted with an auto destruct system that fueses the internal electronics.

What about parcels or paper transmissions?

To some, a letter is the ultimate secure transmission. You cannot drop a letter into a computer and scan for a phrase. Someone has to read it all the way through. Letters are handled by the ICS except they are not X-Boat sent. Instead the message is accepted at the ICS office and then passed on with other letters and parcels to a cargo ship. Letter post costs one credit per 100grams of weight. Parcels on the other hand can make licensed carriers a tidy profit. For ease of packing aboard ships, parcels must be sent using a standard design. The boxes are available at starports everywhere at the cheap price of a tenth of its size in credits.. The smallest box is a 10cm plastic cube and this costs one credit. The postage for this item is 5 credits. A cubic metre costs ten credits and postage costs 500. The formula used to calculate this is: (size x size x size)/6 x 10). Size = size in cms. So the metre box is (100 x 100 x 100 = 300)/6 = 50 x 10 = 500. Postage is charged per 2 jumps or fraction thereof. The parcels are collected and dropped into a cargo container for a sector.

So, I decide to send John a litre of water. The water fits into a metre cube and I take it to the ICS office. There I pay my 2500 credits for it to be carried 24 parsecs. The package is loaded into a cargo container along with nine other metre cubes for Regina. Each cargo container will hold ten cubic metres for each ton of displacement. Once loaded, a licensed trader is contacted for delivery.

Note: Since the ICS has limited ships available, they rely upon licensed carriers. Obtaining a licence is not easy. First an application form has to be filled out and a fee of 500,000 credits is paid. Then the applicant is given a thorough background check if anything looks suspect then their application is refused and the fee is kept. If all looks good, the applicant is granted a licence.

ICS regulations prevent more than five tons of a ships' cargo space from being used for mail. This prevents unscrupulous captains from running off with mail and also means there is a steady flow of carriers. Each ton of space nets the carrier 5000 credits.

If a group of governments is pitching together for a Subsidised Merchant and the ICS thinks it will suit their needs then they will throw in one fifth of the cash for it. The merchant is usually given first pick of the cargo.

The cargo is then transported to its destination in its pod. It may along the way make stops to drop off mail pods and collect more.

MegaTraveller

The X-Boat system operates at full capacity until about 1120. Once fleets start to diminish, many systems start to lose contact. The Aslan’s hold off attacking X-Boats because they present no threat. Many ships and pilots where lost in systems that had major battles as they became easy targets for stray missiles. Once the virus starts to rampage through Imperial space many X-Boats become infected. They become carriers of the Virus. Since they contain only enough fuel for a jump 4 they drift aimlessly. It is during the rebellion the ICS makes the bold decision not to spy on enemy systems. This leads to Lucan’s and Dulinor’s fleets to intentionally destroy X-Boats in enemy territory. Vagr pirates prey on them for spares and the long range jump drives.

New Era.

There is not the personnel to maintain something as complex as a network of ships. A vague communications network exists but it lacks the range of the old X-Boats. Many have been found in systems, dead and lifeless. They are boarded and scavenged for spares. Since they have no manoeuvre drive the hulls are just left to decay. A few X-Boats became Vampire ships, however because they could not refuel and were not fitted with manoeuvre drives the ships simply lay in space becoming time bombs waiting to go off. The RCES when it finds one ALWAYS employs anti viral protocols. Those that were invaded by other viruses usually triggered the auto destruct if they lost control.

References:

I took and based my information on the following sources.

• Book 6 Scouts.
• Imperial Encyclopaedia.
• Supplement 7 Traders and Gunboats.

Authors' notes:
Well, I finally did it. I always thought it would be a bit longer than what I have here! I hope that this will provide inspiration for all players out there.

Traveller is a registered trademark of Far Future Enterprises.
Portions of this material are Copyright © 1977—1996 Far Future Enterprises.

Backhanders and Dodgy Deals

Backhanders and Dodgy Deals is a complete game set in the world of finance and white-collar crime. A typical player character role is that of a bent copper, crooked councilman or gangster. The objective is to amass as much cash as possible.

Possible Settings for Backhanders and Dodgy Deals

Internal Investigation Police Unit

This setting is very similar to that of the BBC TV series «Between the Lines» featuring a team of police detectives tasked with investigating cases of police corruption and incorrect behaviour. The main difference of course is that having uncovered corrupt police officers you don’t bring them to justice, but blackmail them instead, possibly taking a cut of whatever action they were into.

The Truth Is Out There

Mounting a covert invasion of another planet takes a whole lot of resources, even if you do have nifty silver spaceships and the planet concerned is so mind numbingly primitive that they still think mice and windows are the dogs bollocks where computers are concerned. It’s a difficult task, but luckily there’s always quislings who will sell out their race — for an appropriate consideration of course.

In this setting, you not only know that the truth is out there, but are being handsomely rewarded to ensure that out there is exactly where it stays. Beating up UFO freaks, discrediting «rogue» scientists, arranging those oh-so-tedious house moving details for your extraterrestrial bosses; if it pays cash you’ll do it.

And when the entire human race is enslaved… slaves will always require overseers.

The Bribe System

Creating A Character

A Bribe character has five attributes:

• Selfishness (SELF)
• Bullshit (BULL)
• Hardness (HARD)
• Cunning/Thought (CUNT)
• Profession (PROF)

A character with a high SELF score is able to do exactly as he pleases without being troubled by feelings of guilt or remorse. Characters with high SELF scores make good journalists and lawyers. Whenever a character wishes to perform a morally questionable act (blackmail, concealing crimes and so on) he must make a successful SELF test.

A character with a high BULL score has a flexible grip on reality. He can believe whatever he wants to believe and has the personality and charisma to make others believe it too. Characters with high BULL scores make good politicians and marketing executives.

A character with high HARD is extremely strong and tough and dextrous. Characters with high HARD scores make good minders, bouncers and debt collectors.

A character with high CUNT is generally clever and quick-witted. Characters with high CUNT make good cops, scientists and white-collar criminals.

PROF is a special case. It measures how good the character is at his or her chosen profession. If you character is a lawyer with a high PROF then he has a full and detailed knowledge of the law. Conversely, if he had a low PROF then he would have fuck-all knowledge of the law (like the bloke on Ally McBeal with a neck fetish). Whenever your character is attempting to perform an action related to his profession (like a pilot attempting to land a plane in a storm, he must make a PROF test).

Each attribute is rated as three «coins». Each of the coins can be either gold, silver or bronze.

If you are playing in the United Kingdom, then you should use pound coins, twenty pence coins and two pence coins to represent gold, silver and bronze. In other countries you can either use local currency if possible, or change some local money into UK money. This gives the GM a good opportunity, if he changes the money for the players, to make a little cash by being a little untruthful about what the actual exchange rate was. (Don’t do this if one of your players is something like a currency dealer).

A character who has three gold coins in an attribute has a very high rating in that attribute. Three bronze coins indicates a very poor rating in that attribute. Three silver indicates a consistent, moderate rating. A gold, a silver and a bronze indicates highly erratic, though generally average performance, sometimes good, sometimes bad.

Unlike other systems, the Bribe system is not points based. A player can select any combination of coins he or she chooses. A player could choose to have three gold coins in all five attributes (a total of fifteen gold coins) to create a character of near perfect performance.

However, once the player has decided on the attribute scores for his character, he has to hand over those coins to the GM (for the GM to keep). This is called «paying for the character».

So, if playing in the United Kingdom, it would cost fifteen pounds to create a perfect character. However, if you’re feeling a little tight this week, you can create a complete wanker for a bargain basement thirty pence.

Attribute Tests

Opposed:

When your character wishes to do something to another character it is called an opposed attribute test.

The GM first determines which attributes will be used.

Jake is attempting to persuade Peter (a non-player character) to invest in some quality real estate in the former Soviet Union. The GM rules that Jake will have to test his BULL against Peter’s CUNT.

The player then picks up the coins for that attribute, puts them in a cup and «tosses» them out. Any coins which come up heads side up count as a success. The GM does the same for NPCs.

• A gold success will beat any number of non-gold successes.
• A silver success will beat any number of bronze successes.
• One gold success will beat two silver successes.
• One silver success will beat two bronze successes.
• Two silver successes will beat one silver success and two bronze successes.
• Two bronze successes will beat one bronze success.

If the character preforming the action «beats» the other character, then the action has succeeded. A draw counts as a failure. Jake picks up the coins for his BULL (a gold, and two silvers) and tosses them from the cup. The gold and one of the silvers come up «tail-side» up. The other silver is heads side up. He has scored one silver success. The GM picks up the coins for Peter’s CUNT (a silver and two bronze) and tosses them out. He scores one bronze success. He has swallowed Peters bullshit scheme hook, line and sinker.

Non-Opposed:

If a character is performing an action where there is no opponent — such as climbing up a cliff — the GM selects a set of coins representing the difficulty of the task. A near impossible task might rate three gold coins, whilst a trivial task might rate three bronze.

The GM then «tosses» the coins to give the character something to beat.

«Creaming It» and «Fucking It»

If all three of your coins are tossed out heads up, then you are said to have «Creamed It». The action automatically succeeds, unless your opponent also «Creamed It» (in which case it depends if you have better successes than he or she).

Conversely, if all three of your coins are tossed out tails up, then you are said to have «Fucked It.» The action automatically fails, badly, usually with some kind of unpleasant twist.

Special Agent Bob Forster is attempting to shoot a hippy who is running away from him down the street. He makes a HARD test and tosses three tails. He has dropped the gun, which falls to the floor, goes off, and blows out the brains of a guide dog across the street. Whistling casually, and ignoring the plight of the highly confused, and now guide-dog-less blind man, Bob walks quickly away.

Gigolo spy Vince Jenson is attempting to seduce Katya, the daughter of an east European industrialist. As he eases her panties over her hips he makes his seduction test. He tosses his three gold PROF coins, and gets… three tails. His excitement has gotten the better of him causing him to ejaculate over Katya’s cocktail dress. She angrily slaps him and storms out of his hotel room.

Performing a Bribe

If a character performs an action it is possible to reverse the failure, in a manner similar to other system’s hero points.

Immediately after the action has failed the player can announce that they are «performing a bribe». They can pick up any coin that they just tipped from the cup and which came down on the non-head side and flip it to be a head, thus turning it into a success. However, they must then hand over the coin to the GM (he gets to keep it).

There is no limit to the number of bribes that a player can make per play-session. If he’s enough of a mug to hand over the cash, the GM will keep on taking it.

Getting Hurt

There are two kind of attacks:

• Attacks Which Slap You About (such as punches and kicks).
• Attacks Which Fuck You Up (such as knives and guns).

When you attack someone you make a HARD test against their HARD. If you succeed then they receive damage depending on what kind of attack it was.

If it was an Attack Which Slapped Them About then their lowest HARD rated coin becomes «inactive». This means that they cannot use it when they make a HARD test.

If it was an Attack Which Fucked Them Up then their highest HARD rated coin becomes «inactive». This means that they cannot use it when they make a HARD test.

If all your hard coins become inactive then you have fallen unconscious. If this happened because you were Slapped About, then you are merely stunned and will come round in a few minutes (one hard coin will become active). If it happened because you were Fucked Up you are in a coma, and will remain that way until you receive medical treatment.

Recovery

When the GM figures you’re better. If you were «fucked up» you generally take longer than when you were «slapped about».

Are We Serious

Of course not. This is the stupidest idea in history. Please tell us that you realised that?

Dream Park on a Budget

Danny has dreams, big dreams. One day he’ll be the head of the largest entertainment complex this side of the Atlantic Ocean. But all great dreams have to start somewhere and this one has started in a small office unit on a West London trading estate. Welcome to StoryScape.

StoryScape StoryScape is an alternative setting for the Dream Park Roleplaying game published by R.Talsorian Games. It’s a few years since the game was released, and so might be a little hard to get hold of. But it you can find an old copy it’s well worth a try.

For those who don’t know, Dream Park is a highly entertaining game based upon the Dream Park novels by Larry Niven and Steven Barnes. The standard Dream Park setting is the Dream Park itself, a future high-tech theme park in California which hosts large, complex live roleplaying games incorporating both holographic and virtual reality technologies.

StoryScape is a company operating within the same game world, but catering for the lower end of the market, on a smaller scale, and with cheaper technology.

Why Not The Dream Park?

Roleplaying in Dream Park differs in one key way from every other game you will every play. Instead of roleplaying a character, you roleplay a character who is playing a character, in a game within a game.

In other games you get to play mighty warriors, or ace spacemen. In Dream Park you play accountants and lawyers, who are pretending to be heroes. But in the actual Dream Park setting, this is often not apparent. It is too good. The technology is too indistinguishable from reality. A game which should involve you, a 20th century gamer, roleplaying a 21st century ordinary Joe, roleplaying, say, a 13th century knight becomes instead one of you roleplaying the 13th century knight.

Dream Park often ends up being used merely as a multi-genre system, and a not very good one at that. But an alternative setting, where the technology is not quite so good and not so seamless, can get the game back to what it is best at — gamers playing gamers playing heroes.

So What Is StoryScape?

Who Works There?

The full time staff consists of only three people: Danny, the owner and manager ; Lisa, his girlfriend; and Pete, an old friend of Danny’s. Danny and Lisa handle all the main acting parts. They are on occasion boosted by unpaid volunteers, typically kids who are «monstering» in exchange for free game time, but generally only at weekends and school holidays.

All other «parts» are simply images generated by the computer. Although the computer is capable of generating highly realistic «people» they are for window dressing only. A player attempting to talk to them will find that they have an intelligence and wit of somewhere between a house cat and an ATM.

This imposes a severe restriction on the scenarios that Danny writes. They must all be written so that at any point there are only two major characters (other than the players) involved — preferably one man and one women.

The technical side of StoryScape is handled by Pete. He maintains the equipment, operates the Virtual Reality software and «directs» the scenarios whilst they are running from the control room. This involves giving instructions to the players and actors via the ear-pieces that they wear.

When Captain Harlon of the battle-cruiser Star Killer forgets his name, it’s Pete’s voice that speaks from his ear-piece to remind him.

Danny

Danny is twenty-five, with short, dark, curly hair. He is confident and assured, and definitely has the «gift of the gab» (can talk with charisma).

Lisa

Lisa is short and petite, with neatly trimmed blond hair and blue eyes. She is quieter than Danny, but has a sharp sense of humour and an engaging smile.

Pete

Pete is easy-going and sleepy-eyed but is technically very skilled. He could probably earn a lot more money than Danny pays him if he went back to his old profession as a sys op — but then he’d have to wear a suit and be at work by nine!

What Is Its Layout?

StoryScape occupies a two story building which measures thirty metres by twenty metres. (For those of you who are still using feet and inches, that’s 98.42519685 feet by 65.6167979 feet. Not very round measurements — but then that’s what you get for not using the ISO standard. Sorry).

The building was originally designed to be offices in the front half, and a warehouse in the back. The entire rear half of the building is therefore one large space, wall to wall, floor to roof (the rear warehouse area extends the height of both the front floors).

Danny refers to the former warehouse area as the Back Area.

• 

  Lower floor plan.

• 

  Upper floor plan.

When Danny took it over he stripped out all the fittings, covered over the windows, and painted every surface white. The doors have been replaced with modular units. These are basically standing, opening doors. However, for settings which involve automatic sliding doors (like starships) they can be removed — the computer will show the players «holographic» doors.

Note:- This does mean that quick players can walk though the doors before they open.

He also knocked through various portals between the rooms (these are shown as circles with crosses on the plans). These are around two feet square and situated at the base of the wall. They are usually blocked by locked covers, but can be removed to alter the layout for various settings.

Danny also keeps a supply of various prefabricated units in the storeroom, which can be used to partition rooms, block corridors, and form walkways in the back area. By using these units and selectively opening the portals, Danny can produce a wide variety of different layouts.

There are two special areas, the Control Room area, and the toilets.

The Control Room and the two adjacent Store Rooms (shown cross-hatched on the plan) are where Pete runs the system. They are strictly OFF-LIMITS to players. The doors to them are kept locked during games, although Pete has been known to forget from time to time — sometimes with hilarious consequences.

The men’s and women’s toilets are a special case. They are genuine, functional toilets. Toilet facilities are, after all, a basic legal requirement of running this kind of establishment. They are also where players can change before games.

However, they also form part of the gaming area, and are fully equipped with the required game sensors. This means that they can be used by players during games.

Gamers want a fair degree of realism, but only so far. They want the realism of fighting a mighty dragon on a rocky mountainside. They want the realism of throwing lightning bolt spells at an evil mage. But they don’t want the realism of crapping behind bushes and wiping their arses with leaves. No way.

During the game, the toilets will appear (to players wearing the virtual reality headsets) to fit in with the setting. On a starship the toilets will appear bright and high-tech. In a fantasy dungeon they will appear to be carved from granite. You get the idea.

The toilets are supposed to be a «safe» area where nothing happens. However, last April Fools Day Pete unleased a «ghost» on some poor bastard trying to have a quiet crap, and was seriously bollocked by Danny as a result. It hasn’t happened since, but clients in the know have been wary of using the toilets ever since.

Where Do Games Begin?

StoryScape clients enter through the front door into the lobby. They can change in the toilets if required. Pete carries the equipment round from the storerooms to the lobby and gets the players fitted up there.

Most settings begin with the characters in the lobby, but on occasions the players will be directed to another location before they get the message, from Pete over their ear pieces, of «time in!»

What Technology Does It Use?

StoryScape relies entirely on standard virtual reality techniques — unlike the Dream Park which combines these with holograms and real sets.

The interior of the StoryScape complex consists of empty rooms with white walls. Where furniture is required, a marble altar for instance, prefabricated plastic cubes are used. Weapons are simple props.

Each player wears a virtual reality headset which entirely covers their eyes and includes a set of ear pieces. Everything they hear and see is controlled by the computer. They might be looking at a smooth, blank wall, but what they see is a rough stone wall, or a hazy mist, or the depths of space…

When they see someone, such as Danny or Lisa, playing a character, the computer «cloaks» the real person in a «virtual wrapping». When Danny is playing an old man you will see his movements, and hear his voice, but see what appears to be an elderly man with wrinkled skin.

Tips on GMing StoryScape

Always remember the limitations of the technology used.

• The vision generated by the computer often doesn’t match what the character actually feels. If a player reaches out to touch a rough stone wall, it will will feel totally smooth and featureless.

• Characters other than the major characters played by Danny and Lisa will have simple, repetitive personalities. If you enter a shop the shop keeper might greet you with a cheery «good day stranger.» If you tell him your name, exit, then immediately come back in again you might get a cheery «good day stranger».

• Some effects such as teleportation cannot be seamlessly simulated. If a scenario calls for one character to be teleported from one room to another, Pete will tell all the other characters (via their ear pieces) to «freeze», blank the vision in their headsets, guide the «teleporting character» to where he is supposed to be, then give the orders to «unfreeze».

• If a StoryScape character (a starship engineer for example) has a skill which the character playing him does not (an accountant for example) a test of performing that skill is simulated by a simple puzzle. To mend the engines the accountant might have to select odd shapes out of sets. The greater the skill level the character is supposed to have, the easier the puzzle is. (In most cases you should just make the skill roll — but it can add atmosphere if you mention the actual test from time to time).

• Throw in a least one reference to the toilets per scenario. You can’t go wrong with a good toilet gag. At least not in England.

Where To Go From Here

This issue of Critical Miss includes a science-fiction scenario, the «Storm Planet Rescue Game», that is run by StoryScape. It includes the USS Endeavour and Gamma Kanei settings.

In addition, here is an additional StoryScape setting we’ve thought up — Chicago Dockside. It’s a location and and genre idea only, but it’ll hopefully give you something to get started with.

If you come up with any StoryScape settings or scenarios of your own, please send them in to editor@criticalmiss.com, and we can publish them in a future issue.

And remember… keep it cheap and tacky.

USS Endeavour Setting

Player’s Overview

The year is 2456. You are crewmen aboard the USS Endeavour, a starship in the Space Service of the Union of Sovereign Worlds. Your mission is to patrol the far frontiers of the Union, searching for new peoples and new worlds.

GM’s Overview

This is one of StoryScape’s most popular settings. Some unkind people have suggested that Danny has «ripped off» a popular TV and film serial, and in fact he is the subject of an ongoing legal investigation, but he doesn’t worry himself about that.

Note:- When we played this game we used this as part of the backstory. One of the characters was a lawyer working for a legal firm specialising in copyright issues. He was assigned to go undercover as a player at StoryScape to gather evidence. To fill out his cover story he organised his visit as a company outing, by putting up a notice on the notice board in the canteen. So the other players were all fellow workers of his, each paying to go in their own time (whilst he was on double-time and expenses).

The starship has a crew of 8 officers and 24 ratings (which means you can afford to waste a fair number of «red shirts»).

Location Description

The USS Endeavour is roughly oblong, with its longer edge perpendicular to the direction of travel. It has two engine pods — one at either side — which are totally automated (there is no access to characters).

The front half of the ship contains two decks, the upper command deck, and the lower residential deck. The rear half of the ship consists of a large combined hanger and shuttle deck.

The rooms on the lower deck are:

Back Area: The hanger / cargo deck. A single shuttle craft is parked in the centre (this is a wooden mockup which the VR goggles make appear as a gleaming, white shuttle). There are also a number of large storage boxes which contain various engineering stores.

Lobby: The docking reception area. On the bow wall of this area is the entrance to the docking port / airlock. When the starship is docked with a space station this is how personal enter and leave. At the stern wall of this area are the stairs that lead to the Upper Command Deck (yes stairs… this is a starship with stairs… you got a problem with that mister).

L1: Other Rating’s Quarters. Six bunks and a small bathroom.

L2: Other Rating’s Quarters. Six bunks and a small bathroom.

L3: Refreshment Room. This is a combined rest area / canteen / galley / bar.

L4: General Officer’s Quarters. Three bunks, a desk and a small bathroom.

L5: Captain’s Quarters. Contains a single bunk and a desk as well as a small separate bathroom.

L6: First Officer’s Quarters. As Captain’s quarters.

L7: Gymnasium.

L8: General Officer’s Quarters. Three bunks, a desk and a small bathroom.

L9: Other Rating’s Quarters. Six bunks and a small bathroom.

L10: Other Rating’s Quarters. Six bunks and a small bathroom.

The rooms on the upper deck are:

U1: Storage Area.

U2: Briefing Room.

U3: Sickbay.

U4: Computer Room.

U5: Engineering. This area contains the reactor that powers the ship as well as various control consoles.

U6: Communications / Sensors Room.

U7: Science Lab.

U8: Storage Area.

U9: Weapons Room.

U10: Bridge. This area contains a central seat for the captain, a number of consoles for various personnel and a large view screen set into the bow wall.

Gamma Kanei Setting

Location Description

The setting consists of a dwelling tunnelled into the base of a huge cliff. The Back Area represents the ground immediately at the base of the cliff. If any players attempt to walk out of this area (in other words into a very solid horizon) they will be warned over their ear-pieces.

The left-hand corridor on the lower level will appear to the players to be a smooth tunnel with featureless sides. It has no doorways off it. At the end it turns onto a stair case leading up to the upper level. A concealed door leads into the right-hand corridor. This will appear to be a rough rocky cave / tunnel. It is a dead end, but has openings along it into caves.

The rooms on the lower level are:

Back Area: The outside.

Lobby: This is just a room with a tunnel entering from one wall and a flight of stairs leading up from another. In addition, opposite the tunnel is a concealed door.

Note:- This concealed door is set just far enough down the corridor to allow access to the ladies toilet.

L1: Blocked — not accessible.

L2: Blocked.

L3: Blocked.

L4: Blocked.

L5: Blocked.

L6: Cave.

L7: Cave.

L8: Cave.

L9: Cave.

L10: Cave.

The upper level is living quarters. However, a force field across the corridor blocks access to rooms U7, U8 and U9.

The rooms on the upper level are:

U1: Library.

U2: Shanna’s Room.

U3: The Old Man’s Room.

U4: Kitchen.

U5: Dining Room.

U6: Guest Room.

U7: Generator Room.

U8: Empty.

U9: Empty.

U10: Living Room.

Chicago Dockside Setting

Outline

This setting is Danny’s attempt to do a moody, film-noir piece set in the mobster-ridden Chicago of the 1920s. Characters should appear dressed in grey suits and hats, and carrying Thompson submachine-guns — or violin cases for the more subtle.

Location Description

The setting is based around a section of dockside road, alongside Lake Michigan, and Caribbean Passage, a street / alleyway that loops out from the dockside road.

Caribbean Passage is formed by the main corridor on the lower level. At only one metre wide it is a little narrow, but as Danny puts it: «You’ve got to let your imagination get you into the game setting.» Pete’s reply is more succinct: «If you want realism, fuck off down the road.»

The passage appears to be open. (If you look up you can see sky).

The rooms on the lower level are:

Back Area: This area appears to be the dockside road. The top portion appears to be the lake, with a docked ship tied to the wharf side. Characters who attempt to walk «off the edge» will be warned via their ear-pieces by Pete.

L1, L2, L4, L5, L6, L8, L9, L10: Small, speciality shops. You should choose something suitable and related to what your characters want. All these shops contain simple «holographic» shop-keeper characters with simple programs. They will give the same greetings each time a character enters.

L3: Police Station. A small outpost manned by Sergeant Peter O’Connor.

L7: O’Malley’s bar. A rowdy Irish bar that is the informal headquarters of the local Irish gangster organisation. At least once during each game a group of gunmen from the local Mafia will drive along the dockside road, pause to spray O’Malley’s with gunfire, then drive away.

Gent’s and Ladies: Public toilets.

Lobby: A small, open square. A doorway covers the entrance to the stairs. A sign above reads: «The Caribbean Club».

In the setting, The Caribbean Club occupies the whole block enclosed by the dockside road and Caribbean Passage (e.g. the area above O’Malley’s, the public toilet’s and the police station). However, in reality it occupies the whole of the upper level. Danny’s attitude is: «Why let spatial reality get in the way of a good setting?»

The rooms on the upper level are:

U1: A «fake» gents toilet.

U2: Private room.

U3: Gaming room.

U4: Cloak Room.

U5: Staff Room / Changing Room.

U6: Manager’s Office.

U7: Gaming room.

U8: A «fake» ladies toilet.

U9: Private room.

U10: The is the main bar area. The counter itself runs along the full length of the far wall (opposite the stairs).

The Storm Planet Rescue Game

The Storm Planet Rescue Game is a scenario for the Dream Park Roleplaying Game set aboard StoryScape’s, USS Endeavour setting. In addition, the later portions of the adventure take place on a custom planet setting, Gamma Kanei.

The scenario is laid out according to the methods outlined in the Dream Park Roleplaying Game. It might look a little cryptic if you are not familiar with those methods.

Genre(s): Space Opera

Epoch: Future

Limits: No superpowers.

Universe Rules: All beautiful alien women fancy human men.

Goal of Game: Stop the entity from harvesting the natives. Rescue the old bloke.

Back Story: Put in something relevant for your player characters.

The Characters

The characters should be assigned the roles of the chief crew-members of the Endeavour. These positions are: The scenario is laid out according to the methods outlined in the Dream Park Roleplaying Game. It might look a little cryptic if you are not familiar with those methods.

• Captain

• First Officer

• Chief Engineer

• Weapons Officer

• Helm

• Doctor

• Science Officer

• Comms Officer

If there are not enough players characters to fill all these positions then they should be either combined or eliminated.

If there are enough characters then… you have eight players? And you fit them all in one room..?

The Scenario begins

The scenario begins with the characters at their positions on the Endeavour…

Hook: The Comms Officer receives a hailing message from Admiral Johnson asking if he can dock his ship (a small cutter) at the forward docking port. Admiral Johnson comes aboard with his female assistanct, Lieutenant Karen Schmidt. They adjourn to the Briefing room where Johnson explains that Spacebase 5 has just received a distress message from the system of Gamma Kanei. He gives the Endeavour orders to proceed there immediately.

Cliffhanger: As soon as the Endeavour enters orbit around Gamma Kanei IV (where the transmissions were coming from) it is caught by a powerful energy field which causes severe damage of all electrical machinery (cue explosions and other shit).

Development: Sensors indicate that the energy field is being generated from the same point on the planet’s surface as the transmissions. Every twenty minutes it pulses, causing more damage. More detailed surveying is rendered impossible by the fierce electrical storms which swathe the planet. The Party take a shuttle down to the point on the planet’s surface where the transmissions are originating.

Cliffhanger: As it descends the shuttle is hit by a fierce energy storm which scrambles all navigational controls, and much of the flight controls.

Development: A navigational beam envelops the shuttle, guiding it down to a safe landing beside the transmission point — at the base of a huge five mile high cliff than encircles much of the globe (this area is the «Back Area»).

Cliffhanger: Upon leaving the shuttle the Party are attacked by a number of vortex like, electrical creatures — that kill upon contact.

Development: A concealed rock door in the cliff-face opens, and a beautiful, blue-skinned alien girl beckons the Party inside. She introduces herself as Shanna, and explains that she lives here with her father (it later transpires that she is adopted). Her father is a professor whose ship crashed on the planet some twenty years ago.

At this point the landing team are invited to stay with Shanna and her father for a period. Assuming that they agree the following events can occur in whichever order seems most suitable

If they go with the girl…

Cliffhanger: One of the Party members goes exploring — cracks the hatchway — and finds the old caves on the lower level. If questioned, Shanna explains that the hatchway leads to an area that they had begun to hollow out but had abandoned after finding explosive gases (hence she won’t open it). Room L7 was once a sacred vortex birthing chamber. It contains an open spherical mesh of a lithonite ore (a rare substance that channels electro-magnetic fields). Pictograph inscriptions inscribed on the walls depict a single vortex entering the chamber and splitting into two new vorteces. Need linguist or similar to figure it out.

Room L9 is the «christening» room. Every surface is covered in detailed and artistic artwork glorifying vortex society. Need linguist or similar to figure out.

Development: If either of the above linguist tests are succesful, the character will realise that the vortices are an intelligent species.

Cliffhanger: One of the Party members cracks the forcefields on the upper level. If questioned Shanna explains that the area beyond is their power generation area, and that it contains a «dirty» fission process and that the area is hightly radio-active — hence the force fields). He finds some power generators (which will not be active) in room U7. From there he can see through some windows to the outside world. If he waits a few minutes he will see the generator being to pulse. When it does so a whole flock of vortices hurtle in towards the complex and hurl themselves into the rock wall below. As they do so, the generator pulses, clearly absorbing a huge quantity of energy.

Development: The characters can now realise that their beacon is designed to draw the vortices in where they are harvested for their energy.

Cliffhanger: One of the players says they can take them back to the Endeavour. The old man is confused. Shanna doesn’t want to go.

Development: One of the players gets to talk to the old man if Shanna is not around (she will otherwise manopolise conversation).

Cliffhanger: He mumbles about how his ship crashed twenty years ago… His comrade Levin died soon after… Then Shanna found him… He hasn’t been well recently… So tired…

Development: The characters can now realise that he’s cracked.

Cliffhanger: One of the players sneaks into the library (U1) (all computerised) and looks at the computer to find out the most recent thing she has been looking at. It is plans of a distress beacon.

Development: She could have built it at anytime. She waited until he was dying. She wants to get a replacement.

Climax: Shanna turns into a pretty pumped up vortex and tries to consume the Party. They fight and eventually kill her.

Resolution: They turn off the generator, thus setting the vortex creatures free. Then they return in their shuttle-craft to the Endeavour, taking the Professor with them.

IMHO (In My Humble Opinion)

In My Humble Opinion, or IMHO, is what other, less-imaginative magazines would term «the letters page». This is your forum for telling us, and the world, what you think of Critical Miss, roleplaying, or perhaps life in general.

We’d really like to hear from you, partly because we’d like to know what you think, but mainly because it would be a real boost to our egos.

Anyhow, in the period before we published issue 1 we received a grand total of two letters — which we felt wasn’t a bad total for an unpublished magazine.

---

Demonic Madmen wrote:

And what ails thee Knight at arms so alone and palely loitering?

I have no idea what you’re talking about. Quite frankly you’re scaring me.
It’s That Poet Bloke init…

Got room for Vampire?

Might do…
You tellin' me you a Vampire?

D.

Well thanks for your input «D»
But he dint say nufin… Bubba thinks Jonny is too polite…

---

Ludo sent us the following «random mutterings»:

hiya, heya, hoya (I have _no_ idea why I wrote that(!))

We’re a little baffled ourselves…
Makes perfec sence to me… Clear as Coal… err… COBOL… Crystal?

As I sit here, brain slightly steaming from the frenetic excess of my regular Monday night «In Nomine» game, I wonder whether you know quite what you’re unleashing with Critical Miss — as a GM (ha! that most reviled bringer of restraint!) of a group with more humour than sense, I’m looking forward to this…

What we’re unleashing? You make it sound like we’re meddling with powers beyond our control! Personally, I just figured on having a bit of a laugh.
Whas 'the frenetic'? 's a Band right?

But seriously, we’re glad you’re looking forward to it. Hope it’s worth the wait.

We all have stories, told round the table at the drop of a hat of bizarre actions taken, of (in)famous quotes and of — well, quite frankly — downright insane combat situations — but I’m hoping to see stuff from the other side of the reference screen — of scripited dialogues thrown aside in favour of a cheap laugh, of random character names taken from work colleagues you’ve just had blazing rows with — of campaigns consistently winged under the influence of too much Red Bull and Vodka — and of the growing horror felt when you realise that your players know the rules better than you do, but none of them are willing to take on GMing themselves…

You mean the GM is supposed to be better at the rules than the players? Now it all starts to become clear…
Bubba no need rules. Bubba got Server…

Actually I’ve never been too good at the rules, hence my famous quote upon having the Dark Conspiracy damage rules explained to me: «Oh, in that case I died half an hour ago!»

And if I don’t see any such — I’ll bloody write them myself — you have been warned ;)

Hey, don’t wait for us to let you down, get stuck in. You got any ideas dash down a synopsis and sent it in. From your letter you sound like just the kind of sick, deranged lunatic we’re looking for.

Some People say me Sick deranged lunatic too. Me tell them.
Take 2 bottles into the Shower…
Not me…
I just shave my head.
People not talk to Bubba after that..

Ludo the Luddite
aka
«Him with the evergrowing front room»

---

If you have something to say then send it to letters@criticalmiss.com

If you don’t have anything to say then say it anyway. Go on. You can do it.

The Creative Team Behind Critical Miss

Critical Miss Magazine is bought to you by the following people:

Jonny Nexus, Editor

Bubba, Webmaster

General Tangent

Bog Boy!

TAFKAC (The Adventurer Formally Known As Chuckie)

Special Thanx!

Steven Ward
As Promized in exchanging for your artical me Bubba wil not send the Boyz round to break your legz. Thanx Buddy!

Jonny Nexus, Editor

Jonny was stranded on Earth whilst still a fetus when his birth-parents spaceship crashed and has since worked hard, with limited success, to integrate himself into human society. He is currently employed as a computer programmer in the City (of London).

Jonny’s major problem in life is apathy. He would do something about it, but he can’t be arsed. Sad to say, Critical Miss magazine is about the most significant creative work he ever actually managed to complete. (If you’ve already read the magazine you’ll realise how pitiful this is).

If you would like to know more about Jonny, you can see either his description in GURPS character form, or as a Geek Code .

• Jonny’s GURPS character
• Jonny’s Geek Code

Jonny Nexus’s GURPS Sheet

Soon OK!

Jonny Nexus’s Geek Code

Jonny’s Geek Code is:

  -----BEGIN GEEK CODE BLOCK-----
  Version: 3.1
  GCS d- s:+ a- C++@$ U? P L E? W+ N+ o? K- w++
  O? M+ V PS+ PE Y+ PGP- t+@ 5 X+ R+ tv+ b+++ DI+ D+
  G e h r-- y+
  ------END GEEK CODE BLOCK------

Bubba, Webmaster

Err....

Bub Wuz Ere. Ere Wuz Bub. Wuz Bub Ere? Yes Bub Wuz!

Bubba Maked Funny!

If you would like to know more about Bubba, you can see either his description in GURPS character form, or as a Geek Code .

• Bubba’s GURPS character
• Bubba’s Geek Code

Bubba’s GURPS Sheet

Soon OK!

Bubba’s Geek Code

Bubba’s Geek Code is:

  -----BEGIN GEEK CODE BLOCK-----
  Version: 3.12
  GIT d+(-) s+:+ a-- C++@ U P+ L+ E? W+++ N+ o K- w+
  O- M-- V PS+ PE Y+ PGP++ t+@ 5++ X+@ R+ tv+ b++ DI+ 
  D+++ G e h! r y+ 
  ------END GEEK CODE BLOCK------

Reviews

In the Critical Miss Reviews section we will be looking at both roleplaying products and general products of interest to roleplayers.

This issue we’ve looked at a couple of Babylon 5 products.

• The Babylon Project (RPG)

• The Babylon 5 Security Manual (Book)

The Babylon Project RPG

Reviewed by General Tangent.

Written By

Joseph Cochran

Price

£14.99 / $25

Publisher

Titan Books in association with Chameleon Eclectic.

Pages

200

Ok, first off the book has a picture of B5 on the cover. My first impression of this book was that is very impressively laid out. The text is spaced 5cm in from the edge of the book, while the margin has a «deck-plate» look, fake metal studs on a grey background. Side-bars for the book are done in a box titled Babcom.

The next thing that strikes me about this book is the lack of an index and the contents page has the main information but not what you would need to find out about the PPG (for those interested parties its on page 164).

This is a licensed product from the show and it attempts to appeal to 1) fans of the show or 2) new gamer’s. Since this is a licensed product, you expect it to have stills from the show. This is not the case, aside from 18 pictures, you have some truly awful drawings! So as not to interfere with the time-line in the show, the game is set in 2250.

Creation of characters is a diceless thing. First you take a work-sheet, either photocopied or downloaded from their website. The work-sheet is white on black, so they are very printer unfriendly and if you have an inkjet printer you are likely to end up with a damp page that will probably tear when you get it out of the printer.

Then you take a an average member of your race and modify the attributes up or down by up to two points. However, for each increase you make, you have to make an equal decrease. Then you start to work through your characters early years picking skills and characteristics. Once you have finished you then transfer the skills into their respective places on the work-sheet. A quick word about the skills, this game has some of the strangest skill lists known to man. Take biology for example, you take as a speciality «kingdoms within a biosphere», so you will have to take Insects — Earth, or Mammals — Narn.

Ok, that’s a minor gripe with the system, so lets move onto the meat of the system, the task resolution. This game requires nothing more than two six sided dice, the usual sort found in a backgammon set, but you need two different colours, one green and one red. The green is positive and the red is negative, now I know what you think, you roll the bones and add the positive and subtract the negative — WRONG! What you do is roll them and take the lowest of the pair, so for example I roll a +3 and −2, you take the −2. So, I will move on to the determination of the tasks themselves.

You work out the controlling attribute and skill and any speciality you have. So for example, you find a strange looking insect on Narn. The GM decides the attribute is Perception, the skill is Biology. So if you have Narn — Insects as a speciality you are well away!

Bob has a perception of 4 and level 2 in biology, plus he has the speciality, so we add 2 to four and add another 2 for the speciality and then roll those dice.

Combat works in the same way, although with ranged combat, stay out the way or you could be dead real quick. One glaring omission is starship combat, that is in a separate book.

Psionics

A small column is given over to this ability but glossed over completely as to what the telepath can achieve.

The chapter on campaigning offers some good advice about long term campaigns, the section on character improvement is ok.

The star map is average, it misses off a few locations and has an awful colour! I know of several people claiming this map is useless because they are colour-blind.

I could go on, but you are too young for this sort of pain!

Overall

A nice idea, but it is let down by very dodgy artwork and the website address on page 2 has changed since the book was published! Buy it if you wish to roleplay in JMS’s world, but beware, to play in the time of the show you will have to do some serious work.

Overall Rating

3/5

Value For Money

2/5

Usefulness

3/5

Presentation

2/5

The Babylon 5 Security Manual

Reviewed by General Tangent.

Written By

Jim Mortimore

Price

£15.99

Publisher

Boxtree.

Pages

160

First off, I am a big fan of the show so I had to get this book.

The book runs to a total of 160 pages grouped into nine sections and four appendices. Throughout the book; there are some great stills, quite a few in colour; sidebars with «quotes» from characters from the series; and some brilliant diagrams. Since the books deals with B5 in 2260 some of the information will not help gamesmasters running campaigns in 2250. Aside from this gripe the book is well written and presented. The cover is embossed and is a fairly sturdy card which when creased leaves ugly marks. I had to inspect a half dozen copies before I found one almost undamaged. The book breaks down into the following sections:

Part One: General

Unit 1: Station Overview
Eighteen pages

Covers what is B5 and a section layout of the section. Well written and presented, however little is of use to the RPG unless you want info for Minos stations.

Unit 2: Communications
Twelve pages

2.1: Electronic comms. A nice piece here about the «Link» and its function, what it can do. The small info about Babcom, other comm channels and credit chips make useful background knowledge.

2.2: Other comms. The award for most holidays goes to the post office! See if you can spot the fictional holiday that belongs to a book title. A section that HAS to be read. There are also some very good shots of C&C to be found here. A few paragraphs about the Dockers Guild, Guilds and the Core shuttle are worth reading.

Part 2: Security

This section runs 97 pages! This is where you find the meat for the RPG.

Since this is the largest chunk of the book, I’ll skim over the main sections.

Unit 3.1: The history of EA will do until the EA sourcebook makes an appearance. WARNING!!!! Some of the history items DO NOT match those in TBP! According to this book, PSI-Corp is founded in 2161, TBP gives the date as 2152. Also Centari meet us in 2184 rather than TBP date of 2155. Narns are met in 2230 rather than 2219. Minbari during 2243 and the war begins in 2244 contradicting TBPs 2245 date for both these.

The rest of this section covers law and so forth. Its all good stuff and IMHO very well written.

Unit 4: Take time to study the Ranking system and uniforms for material. Rush through 4.2 and stop at 4.3 to see a good diagram of a PPG and the multiple settings. I personally like the multi setting option so I have a quick patch:
Setting 1 Shots 15 Dam 6
Setting 2: Shots 8 Dam 10
Setting 3: Shots 5 Dam 14

Feel free to ignore.

Also a couple of good pictures of the PPG Rifle, Grenade Launcher and the Shock Stick. Go past the picture of Zack and Garibaldi to Cells and Identicards.

4.6 Contains info on disease, whilst 4.7 gives us the first mention of Spoo and Swedish Meatballs, of which the Vorlon ones are intelligent! Also read the dangerous species and toilets.

Unit 5 covers special security measures. Read and then move onto unit 6 and drool at the Starfury cutaways, this includes the Thunderbolt!

Unit 7 contains colony information before moving on to individual races and good pictures of the ships. Pages 104 and 105 have pictures of the Vorlon PK. 7.9 has the Shadows and some good pictures of the White Star on the following pages.

Unit 8 deals with PSI-Corps. Look at the Refined Telepathic Headgear which boost weak PSIs, interesting material for the game.

Quick patch: RTH boosts a PSI up by 5 points but no higher. The downside, for each hour or fraction thereof of use, the teep has to make an Average Difficulty Endurance roll. The difficulty increases by one level for each hour or fraction thereof past the first hour. Failure results in a loss of PSI ability points for DOUBLE the duration of use of the RTH. Points are recovered at the rate of one per two hours rest. Again feel free to ignore.

The next pages mention Black Ops and Nightwatch.

The Appendices are good, listing common comm codes, training schedule and a rather good looking record card. Appendix 3, covers case notes for crimes. Londo is mentioned in the final case, his sentence for Genocide etc. Is funny! The final appendix is a who’s who.

Overall

In conclusion, the book is worth getting, there is more useful information than duff stuff and it is a shame to see all the white space there.

Overall Rating

4/5

Value For Money

4/5

Usefulness

3/5

Presentation

3/5

Babylon 5 is a trademark of Warner Brothers, a division of Time Warner Entertainment Company L.P.

Thoughts For The Soul

At Critical Miss we tend to approach life from the point of view that if you haven’t got a sense of humour then being born into this universe was clearly a mistake. But we also recognise that there is a serious side to existence, and in Thoughts for the Soul we explore this.

Each issue Thoughts for the Soul will look, discuss and consider a political, social or even spiritual issue, though the use of a selected quote.

Our quote this issue was originally thought of by a friend of the editor’s employer. This quote, we feel, encourages us to look beyond what we conventionally thing of as rewarding and worthwhile, towards those activities that we perhaps take for granted more than we should.

«There’s nothing so overrated as a bad fuck,
and nothing so underrated as a good shit.»

Feedback

Each issue we aim to give you a chance to tell us what you think about a particular subject. In future issues we aim to find out what kind of games you play, what articles you would like to read, and so on.

This issue though, we’re focussing on a more narrow issue, specifically whether a letter we received was a bit out of order, as we thought, or if we’re just a bunch of cry-babies who need to grow up and get wise.

When we began to create the first issue (the one you’re reading now) we put up an initial advert page, which you may have read. This explained what Critical Miss was about, and included a form where people could «subscribe» . We also began trying to get our URL included on various directories.

One of the directories we approached was Newhoo, which is a non-profit making organisation aiming to create «the largest human-edited directory of the web» using «a vast army of volunteer editors.»

We applied to go onto their roleplaying section, and were rejected, on the grounds that our site was still being prepared. Fair point. When we thought about it we probably even agreed with the decision. But it was the way it was delivered that got us, frankly, a little bit narked.

This is the letter we received from a «volunteer editor» is response to our application

 From: Xxxxxx Xxxxx
 To: criticalmiss@internation.co.uk
 Subject: Newhoo Critical Miss Roleplaying submission
 Date: Tue, Oct 13, 1998, 5:21 pm

 
 It sounds interesting, but...
 Could you re-submit when your site is actually UP -
 i.e., has some interesting information on it?
 Until then, I, at least,* won't accept it. There
 are too many Web sites that have "coming soon" on
 them for years and years.
 
 Xxxxxx Xxxxx
 
 *Of course Newhoo has half-a-dozen editors. If you're
 persistent, eventually one of the others with different
 standards may get to a re-submission before I do, and
 accept the site.
 I imagine it might be less work to actually get the
 first issue on-line, no?

Now if this had been Yahoo patronising us we would have been ecstatic — just to get a reply from the mighty Yahoo. But Newhoo is not Yahoo by any stretch of the imagination.

Feedback

Have you ever heard of Newhoo?

1. Yes, I’ve heard of them
2. New who?

Do you think the reply we got was?

1. Perfectly reasonable, don’t know what you’re wound up about
2. A bit patronising and sarcastic, considering it comes from a

self-appointed editor at an obscure, amateur site

Now that we have published Issue 1, should we?

1. Reapply to Newhoo to see if they will now accept us
2. Tell them to get stuffed and apply to Yahoo instead

We’ll publish the results of this survey in Issue 2 of Critical Miss.